It’s food time and the little boy wants in. I would scratch on the door too. Why is everybody so mad? Merweh. Mff. The scared man almost falls into the water but then he gets away. I don’t like this movie -- everybody chases each other around and there aren’t any cats. Also, the box really needs to be scooped and I’m going to have to pee if this movie is scary all the way through. Are we going to eat popcorn? Now there’s a new little boy and a girl and the scared man looks worried. This part is boring. I’m going to go lay down.
Merf! What did I miss? Who? Oh right. So the scared man met the lady he ran away from and she’s sick. Then the scared man gets really mad and chases everybody. How come he gets to bite people and nobody turns a squirt bottle on him? Mff. Have you scooped the box yet? I can’t cover with clumps, people. Why is that man on fire? The new little boy and the little girl should have a cat. That way they could follow the cat through the dark. Maybe the cats all went to get food. The angry man bites the boy and the little girl shoots the man. That is not the way to deal with biting. Oh please scoop the box! Maybe if I go stand by it and stare at you …
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
The Devil Bat (1940)
Food Guy: Now Claud, before we start tonight's film, I want to assure you, there is no such thing as a 'devil bat.' If you get too scared, just remember that it's only a movie.
Claud: Merf. Will there be snacks?
Nice Lady: Of course. We're having popcorn and you can have a few pieces.
Claud: Mer-WOOF! [covers mouth with paws in shock]
FG: Did you just bark?
Claud: Meow?
NL: We are not a werewolf Claud.
C: A what?
FG: A lycanthrope --
NL/Claud: Don't say that word!
FG: Sorry, sorry.
The film begins and Claud goes long several times for kernels of popcorn. On screen, Bela Lugosi is Dr. Paul Carruthers, a chemist for the Heath family's successful personal-hygiene product company.
Lugosi lives on the Heath estate, in a research lab with a surprisingly complex series of secret passages that leads to his secret bat-pheromone research facility, and an even secret-er radiation room, and – yes really – a yet more secret belfry where he keeps a small colony of bats.
A crucial scene early on reveals Dr. Carruthers's evil doings: He exposes one of his "children" to massive doses of radiation (gamma rays?) which causes the already generously portioned bat to balloon up to Corgi size.
The evil Doctor's unnecessarily complicated plan involves putting a bat-attracting pheromone into a prototype Heath-brand aftershave lotion, then convincing various enemies to try out the aftershave and then unleashes the giant er, Devil Bat, who gets wind of the pheromone and shreds off the face of the unsuspecting schlub who, moments before, was all too eager to try out Dr. Carruthers's soothing balm.
FG: Claud! Check it out, here comes the Devil Bat.
C: [Peeking out from behind paws] That's it? That's Devil Bat?! [Collapses in giggles.]
NL: It looks like that guy is being attacked by a rabid umbrella.
FG: [Rewinding] Check out the vertical take-off capabilities of the Devil Bat. It not only heard the cops coming and knew it was time to beat it, but also managed to take flight without flapping its wings.
NL: So Bela Lugosi is mad because he feels the family has cheated him out of profits they've made by selling his concoctions.
FG: And he also feels it's necessary – when he shows up unexpectedly on the patio during breakfast -- to tell Mary Heath and that nosey reporter that he took a shortcut from his lab "through the hedge." Bela, nobody suspected a thing until you started doing things like that. Who announces that they just arrived via shortcut?
C: Mer-weh! Where's popcorn? [Pokes head into empty bowl.]
NL: I can honestly say this is no "The Devil Bat's Daughter."
FG: Word. There was a genuinely good psychological thriller at the heart of "The Devil Bat's Daughter." I mean, this is not terrible. It's a cheap mystery disguised as horror but you know from the start whodunit. But the sequel – which isn't really a sequel – did a surprisingly good job of obscuring the truth for most of the film.
NL: Oh boy, here we go.
FG: What?
NL: You're about to go long. Hey Claud --
C: [Galloping across the living room] I'm open!
NL: Go long! [Tosses one last piece of popcorn.]
Claud: Merf. Will there be snacks?
Nice Lady: Of course. We're having popcorn and you can have a few pieces.
Claud: Mer-WOOF! [covers mouth with paws in shock]
FG: Did you just bark?
Claud: Meow?
NL: We are not a werewolf Claud.
C: A what?
FG: A lycanthrope --
NL/Claud: Don't say that word!
FG: Sorry, sorry.
The film begins and Claud goes long several times for kernels of popcorn. On screen, Bela Lugosi is Dr. Paul Carruthers, a chemist for the Heath family's successful personal-hygiene product company.
Lugosi lives on the Heath estate, in a research lab with a surprisingly complex series of secret passages that leads to his secret bat-pheromone research facility, and an even secret-er radiation room, and – yes really – a yet more secret belfry where he keeps a small colony of bats.
A crucial scene early on reveals Dr. Carruthers's evil doings: He exposes one of his "children" to massive doses of radiation (gamma rays?) which causes the already generously portioned bat to balloon up to Corgi size.
The evil Doctor's unnecessarily complicated plan involves putting a bat-attracting pheromone into a prototype Heath-brand aftershave lotion, then convincing various enemies to try out the aftershave and then unleashes the giant er, Devil Bat, who gets wind of the pheromone and shreds off the face of the unsuspecting schlub who, moments before, was all too eager to try out Dr. Carruthers's soothing balm.
FG: Claud! Check it out, here comes the Devil Bat.
C: [Peeking out from behind paws] That's it? That's Devil Bat?! [Collapses in giggles.]
NL: It looks like that guy is being attacked by a rabid umbrella.
FG: [Rewinding] Check out the vertical take-off capabilities of the Devil Bat. It not only heard the cops coming and knew it was time to beat it, but also managed to take flight without flapping its wings.
NL: So Bela Lugosi is mad because he feels the family has cheated him out of profits they've made by selling his concoctions.
FG: And he also feels it's necessary – when he shows up unexpectedly on the patio during breakfast -- to tell Mary Heath and that nosey reporter that he took a shortcut from his lab "through the hedge." Bela, nobody suspected a thing until you started doing things like that. Who announces that they just arrived via shortcut?
C: Mer-weh! Where's popcorn? [Pokes head into empty bowl.]
NL: I can honestly say this is no "The Devil Bat's Daughter."
FG: Word. There was a genuinely good psychological thriller at the heart of "The Devil Bat's Daughter." I mean, this is not terrible. It's a cheap mystery disguised as horror but you know from the start whodunit. But the sequel – which isn't really a sequel – did a surprisingly good job of obscuring the truth for most of the film.
NL: Oh boy, here we go.
FG: What?
NL: You're about to go long. Hey Claud --
C: [Galloping across the living room] I'm open!
NL: Go long! [Tosses one last piece of popcorn.]
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Not... The Demi Moore!
Nice Lady: How does St. Elmo’s Fire qualify as a horror film?
Claud: Meh?
Food Guy: What? How is St. Elmo’s Fire not terrifying? I will explain:This movie appears to be set in an alternate reality where hookers give relationship advice to frustrated writers, coke-addled debutantes have nervous breakdowns in apartments that resemble disused sets from Don Henley music videos, and stalking is considered an acceptable form of courting. I’m talking to you, Emilio Estevez.
[Claud and Nice Lady still seem unconvinced. Food Guy, never one to give up an opportunity to advance his pointless pop culture theories, furrows his brow and continues.]
It’s a more nuanced kind of horror. Think about it. Rob Lowe sweats way too much when he’s playing the saxophone. What the hell is that horn made out of, gold? Also, we are forced to watch an extended bout of carnal relations between [shudder] Andrew McCarthy and Ally Sheedy.
Claud: Merh.
FG: See? Claud’s with me.
NL: I’m listening.
FG: And perhaps most awfulest: The Demi Moore!
C: [Shudder]
NL: [Shudder]
FG: [Shudder] I know! Worst of all, in this alternate reality, someone has stolen all the saxophone cases, forcing Lowe's character to carry his sax slung over his back. Who does that? I almost wonder if the whole thing is allegory in a Twilight Zone sort of way and these characters are all actually in Hell. I mean, think about the title. And the sweating, and Judd Nelson becoming a Republican, and –
[Claud has started to walk away and Nice Lady is playing a game on her cell phone.]
FG: … and the DEMI MOORE!
C & NL: [Shudder]
Claud: Meh?
Food Guy: What? How is St. Elmo’s Fire not terrifying? I will explain:This movie appears to be set in an alternate reality where hookers give relationship advice to frustrated writers, coke-addled debutantes have nervous breakdowns in apartments that resemble disused sets from Don Henley music videos, and stalking is considered an acceptable form of courting. I’m talking to you, Emilio Estevez.
[Claud and Nice Lady still seem unconvinced. Food Guy, never one to give up an opportunity to advance his pointless pop culture theories, furrows his brow and continues.]
It’s a more nuanced kind of horror. Think about it. Rob Lowe sweats way too much when he’s playing the saxophone. What the hell is that horn made out of, gold? Also, we are forced to watch an extended bout of carnal relations between [shudder] Andrew McCarthy and Ally Sheedy.
Claud: Merh.
FG: See? Claud’s with me.
NL: I’m listening.
FG: And perhaps most awfulest: The Demi Moore!
C: [Shudder]
NL: [Shudder]
FG: [Shudder] I know! Worst of all, in this alternate reality, someone has stolen all the saxophone cases, forcing Lowe's character to carry his sax slung over his back. Who does that? I almost wonder if the whole thing is allegory in a Twilight Zone sort of way and these characters are all actually in Hell. I mean, think about the title. And the sweating, and Judd Nelson becoming a Republican, and –
[Claud has started to walk away and Nice Lady is playing a game on her cell phone.]
FG: … and the DEMI MOORE!
C & NL: [Shudder]
Monday, September 24, 2007
Cat People and Curse of the Cat People
Now there’s a movie! They’re from 1942 and 1944 which means nothing to me. Mehhhhhhhh! Nice Lady and Food Guy really picked something a cat can get into this time. No mention of lyc… lycanth… there goes my tail all puffy again! I wonder if there’s anything to eat.
Anyway, there’s a lady, and she likes cats. A lot. Big cats. But the cats are in cages, and that’s weird. They must be going to see the doctor or something. Hmm, I’m sort of hungry. And she meets a man and they get married. But they don’t get along, and I think she might sort of be a cat too. And then there’s this other lady who he gets along with better, and there’s a doctor who says some weird things and then the cat’s out of the cage. I was pretty scared of the big cats.
I wonder how I could get into that closet and get some treats? And Curse of the Cat People is pretty good too. Nice Lady and Food Guy liked this one better than I did. There were some pictures of cats, but I don’t remember seeing any cats. There was a little girl in this one, and she’s friends with the lady from the other one. And the man and the other lady are married now. And there’s an old lady who tells scary stories, and then everybody hugs.
xo, Claud
Anyway, there’s a lady, and she likes cats. A lot. Big cats. But the cats are in cages, and that’s weird. They must be going to see the doctor or something. Hmm, I’m sort of hungry. And she meets a man and they get married. But they don’t get along, and I think she might sort of be a cat too. And then there’s this other lady who he gets along with better, and there’s a doctor who says some weird things and then the cat’s out of the cage. I was pretty scared of the big cats.
I wonder how I could get into that closet and get some treats? And Curse of the Cat People is pretty good too. Nice Lady and Food Guy liked this one better than I did. There were some pictures of cats, but I don’t remember seeing any cats. There was a little girl in this one, and she’s friends with the lady from the other one. And the man and the other lady are married now. And there’s an old lady who tells scary stories, and then everybody hugs.
xo, Claud
Monday, September 10, 2007
Black Sunday
“Black Sunday” (original title “La Maschera del demonio”), a 1960 film directed by Mario Bava, was our first foray into the scary movie section of the video store. We thought that being foreign and filmed in black and white, it wouldn’t be too scary. We were sort of right.
Me: The effects were cool, and the black and white made cool lighting tricks possible, and made the period more believable. It was gorgeous and had a real Nosferatu feel to it. The plot was a bit complicated at times for the likes of Claud (no offense).
Claud: None taken. Mehhhhh.
Me: I also liked the mixing of witch and vampire lore in a quasi-historical context. And any film that has doors with no handles and lamps that walk on their own is okay in my book. Overall, two Scary Stars. Pretty and at times gory, but I wasn’t scared.
Claud: Prrrrrrrr, me neither. I only left the room a few times, and that was just to er, get some water.
Mr. K: If it's stars we're giving, I give it five on looks, atmosphere, execution and originality. For a first-time directorial effort, I can only hope that Mario Bava went up from there, but it's tough to imagine topping "Black Sunday." I'm not at all surprised that he is responsible for the boom in Euro-horror during the '60s because your mention of "Nosferatu" is spot-on. Few other horrors that I've seen from that era, with the exception of the Hammer Studio films from England, have such a "look" to them. It's definitive, for sure, and I love the 80/20 ratio of chaste, Victorian-style melodrama to gutsy, mid-20th century gore. (A spike to the eyeball!? I am THERE.)
Claud: Muph! What are you, some kind of movie nerd?
Me: Well Claud, it is supposed to be “discourse.” I was trying to keep it simple, for your sake.
Claud: Can’t we just talk about it? I don’t know all the funny names. I promise I won’t get scared. Mph mph mphhh
Me: Mr. K?
Mr. K: I too enjoyed the mix of witchcraft and vampirism. Bava did his homework, both in being very familiar with the Victorian horror novel, and in the loose links between witchcraft, vampires and such in European folklore, especially Eastern Europe. I know that in some areas, a person thought to be afflicted with lycanthropy, once killed, was at great risk of becoming a vampire, so they were often buried with all sorts of preventive items, sometimes even a spike on the coffin lid that would pierce the heart if the corpse attempted to sit up. So Barbara Steele going from witch to vamp was totally believable.
Claud: [leaves to hide under the bed after Googling lycanthropy and realizing she doesn’t want any part of a discussion involving that]
Mr. K: Yes, the convoluted plot was a lot to follow for a b-grade horror flick, but I don't mind having to pay attention as long as there's a payoff. Which there was.
Me: That brings up a good point. Was it really B-grade? As you say, the dubbing is campy, but the sets are gorgeous, the effects are cool, and there is some believable emotion. Do you think it would be campy or artistic if shown in its original language?
Mr. K: I recall reading that there wasn't much of a budget for it, as it was to be a quick and dirty production. (Maybe they were looking to make cheap knock-offs of the Hammer films, the same way Sergio Leone was making cheap knock-offs of American westerns when he launched the spaghetti western movement?)
Me: [leaves, because I can’t remember a time before this lecture started]
Mr. K: The original director quit, leaving Bava – a cameraman – to take the reins, thus launching his and Barbara Steele's careers. But in terms of the look and effects, I agree. It's an A-movie stuck in the B-movie ghetto. And of course, the "B" only means that it was second in the double-feature line up. It would be interesting to know how it fared in Italy and Spain, since clearly there was enough interest to make more of the same, right up to the launch of Dario Argento's career in the mid-'70s. For a horror film, it's A all the way. In the cinema world in general, it's B, but I'll argue that the "B" here stands only for budget, 'cause I'd program it first and then put a faster, sillier film in the second half… Guys?
Summary and Conclusions: Maybe next time we’ll keep the discussion a little simpler since Claud’s attention span isn’t so great sometimes. While it wasn’t that scary, it did have its moments, and is well worth the rental price. Three paws up from me ‘n’ Claud. Merweh!
Me: The effects were cool, and the black and white made cool lighting tricks possible, and made the period more believable. It was gorgeous and had a real Nosferatu feel to it. The plot was a bit complicated at times for the likes of Claud (no offense).
Claud: None taken. Mehhhhh.
Me: I also liked the mixing of witch and vampire lore in a quasi-historical context. And any film that has doors with no handles and lamps that walk on their own is okay in my book. Overall, two Scary Stars. Pretty and at times gory, but I wasn’t scared.
Claud: Prrrrrrrr, me neither. I only left the room a few times, and that was just to er, get some water.
Mr. K: If it's stars we're giving, I give it five on looks, atmosphere, execution and originality. For a first-time directorial effort, I can only hope that Mario Bava went up from there, but it's tough to imagine topping "Black Sunday." I'm not at all surprised that he is responsible for the boom in Euro-horror during the '60s because your mention of "Nosferatu" is spot-on. Few other horrors that I've seen from that era, with the exception of the Hammer Studio films from England, have such a "look" to them. It's definitive, for sure, and I love the 80/20 ratio of chaste, Victorian-style melodrama to gutsy, mid-20th century gore. (A spike to the eyeball!? I am THERE.)
Claud: Muph! What are you, some kind of movie nerd?
Me: Well Claud, it is supposed to be “discourse.” I was trying to keep it simple, for your sake.
Claud: Can’t we just talk about it? I don’t know all the funny names. I promise I won’t get scared. Mph mph mphhh
Me: Mr. K?
Mr. K: I too enjoyed the mix of witchcraft and vampirism. Bava did his homework, both in being very familiar with the Victorian horror novel, and in the loose links between witchcraft, vampires and such in European folklore, especially Eastern Europe. I know that in some areas, a person thought to be afflicted with lycanthropy, once killed, was at great risk of becoming a vampire, so they were often buried with all sorts of preventive items, sometimes even a spike on the coffin lid that would pierce the heart if the corpse attempted to sit up. So Barbara Steele going from witch to vamp was totally believable.
Claud: [leaves to hide under the bed after Googling lycanthropy and realizing she doesn’t want any part of a discussion involving that]
Mr. K: Yes, the convoluted plot was a lot to follow for a b-grade horror flick, but I don't mind having to pay attention as long as there's a payoff. Which there was.
Me: That brings up a good point. Was it really B-grade? As you say, the dubbing is campy, but the sets are gorgeous, the effects are cool, and there is some believable emotion. Do you think it would be campy or artistic if shown in its original language?
Mr. K: I recall reading that there wasn't much of a budget for it, as it was to be a quick and dirty production. (Maybe they were looking to make cheap knock-offs of the Hammer films, the same way Sergio Leone was making cheap knock-offs of American westerns when he launched the spaghetti western movement?)
Me: [leaves, because I can’t remember a time before this lecture started]
Mr. K: The original director quit, leaving Bava – a cameraman – to take the reins, thus launching his and Barbara Steele's careers. But in terms of the look and effects, I agree. It's an A-movie stuck in the B-movie ghetto. And of course, the "B" only means that it was second in the double-feature line up. It would be interesting to know how it fared in Italy and Spain, since clearly there was enough interest to make more of the same, right up to the launch of Dario Argento's career in the mid-'70s. For a horror film, it's A all the way. In the cinema world in general, it's B, but I'll argue that the "B" here stands only for budget, 'cause I'd program it first and then put a faster, sillier film in the second half… Guys?
Summary and Conclusions: Maybe next time we’ll keep the discussion a little simpler since Claud’s attention span isn’t so great sometimes. While it wasn’t that scary, it did have its moments, and is well worth the rental price. Three paws up from me ‘n’ Claud. Merweh!
Friday, September 7, 2007
Merweh!
One dark Friday night, I heard a tiny voice.
“Merweh!” it said softly.
“Huh?” I replied.
“Mph!” it uttered, a little louder.
Claudette had been so frightened by the scary movie we were watching she had hid under the blanket. I explained to her that it was just a film. Ashamed at having shown herself to be a scaredy-cat, she resolved to learn to like scary movies. We decided to see one per week and then engage in discourse to reinforce that it was not in fact real, because real things are “discussed” or “talked about” and do not require such an academic process as “discourse.” Summaries of said discourse will be reproduced here so that when Claud gets scared, she can go online and recall her bravery.
“Merweh!” it said softly.
“Huh?” I replied.
“Mph!” it uttered, a little louder.
Claudette had been so frightened by the scary movie we were watching she had hid under the blanket. I explained to her that it was just a film. Ashamed at having shown herself to be a scaredy-cat, she resolved to learn to like scary movies. We decided to see one per week and then engage in discourse to reinforce that it was not in fact real, because real things are “discussed” or “talked about” and do not require such an academic process as “discourse.” Summaries of said discourse will be reproduced here so that when Claud gets scared, she can go online and recall her bravery.
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